PHOENIX, Ariz. -- I can't remember a spring training this painful.
And I'm not talking about the usual run of back spasms, sore arms and hamstring strains.
I'm talking about -- and I'm cringing as I type this -- Houston second baseman Kaz Matsui and Chicago Cubs outfielder Felix Pie.
Matsui will open the season on the disabled list following surgery to repair an anal fissure.
Pie returned to the Cubs' Cactus League lineup this week following surgery to repair a twisted testicle.
I'll pause here so you and I can both regain our breath.
I'd apologize in advance if you hadn't heard about these injuries and you're kind grossed out right now.
Except I read some details about Matsui's surgery over breakfast a few days ago and, hey. If I've gotta deal with this stuff over granola and yogurt, why should you get off easy? And if you were sitting down and suddenly had to stand up because just reading about Matsui's injury made you uncomfortable, well, I don't blame you. I'm standing as I type this as well.
Unless you're a doctor, you're probably wondering -- while flinching -- exactly what Matsui's injury is.
Well, I'll tell you: An anal fissure, according to doctors, is a tear of the skin near the anus that causes bleeding and pain. Matsui will miss two or three weeks, and veteran Mark Loretta will replace him at second base and bat second for the Astros.
I'd love to hear Loretta explain to family and friends how he cracked the Astros 2008 opening day lineup.
As for Pie's surgery, doctors sewed the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall. The Cubs said it was a minor procedure. Right, and the old classic that comes to mind here is, minor surgery is the kind of surgery that happens to someone else.
Apparently, the injury is not uncommon, and some men are more susceptible to it than others. More often than not, it happens in adolescence. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure this is the same thing my friend Ollie had at the start of cross country practice our senior year of high school. He had a procedure that I believe was awfully similar to Pie's.
Of course, back then, all we did was give Ollie grief about his, uh, situation. Figured it must have had something to do with the fact that we were going to an all-boys Catholic high school, and we'd better not ask too many questions. So all we did was razz him mercilessly, sensitive guys that we were, and I don't think we ever did get around to asking those questions.
So now that I've learned Pie ran the risk of losing the testicle if the, uh, situation wasn't corrected, now I'm going to have to phone Ollie -- who alternately is called "Dogs", for reasons that existed back when we were 16 and every day was one big laugh (oh, if we could all have those carefree days back) -- and ask him some of those questions.
Silly me. All these years, I always thought the condition simply was called what we've always called it: "Ollie Dogs Disease." But I sure haven't heard the Cubs call it that.
When does spring training end?
Likes: David Newhan homering for Houston in the final game with the Dodgers in Vero Beach as Dodgertown fades to black. How appropriate -- Newhan is the son of good friend and Hall of Famer baseball writer Ross Newhan, who spent decades covering the Dodgers in Vero. Ross and David are both top-shelf people. ... Daisuke Matsuzaka pitching Boston's opener in Japan. Come on, don't you think there was some sort of divine intervention that allowed his wife to deliver baby No. 2 in time for him to accompany the Red Sox. ... St. Paddy's day. ... My daughter throwing a runner out at the plate from left field in Monday night's softball game. ... Only a couple of days until the NCAA tournament begins.
Dislikes: See the injuries to Matsui and Pie above. ... Woody Williams getting tatooed in Houston. The Astros' pitching is shaping up to be a disaster. Shawn Chacon? Please.
Sunblock day? Clouds obstructing the sun, the temps didn't reach much over 60 ... how much longer does spring training run, anyway? It's getting too cold down here.
Rock-n-Roll lyric of the day:
"Once I was swimming cross turtle creek
"Man, them snappers all around my feet
"Sure was hard swimming cross that thing
"With both hands holding my ding a ling a ling"
-- Chuck Berry, My Ding-a-Ling
